


Ouija Says

by Ariel_Tempest



Category: Downton Abbey
Genre: Gen, Humor, NO SEX PLEASE, Occult, Ouija, Post Series, Spirits, Too much alcohol, probably a bad idea, prompt, ranting, very mild spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-23
Updated: 2018-06-23
Packaged: 2019-05-27 05:07:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,461
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15017297
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ariel_Tempest/pseuds/Ariel_Tempest
Summary: After one (or two) too many pints, Thomas and Andy decide to play a game......only to discover at least one of them has attracted a malicious spirit.Or maybe they're both just drunk.





	Ouija Says

**Author's Note:**

> Original prompt of "ouija says we should fuck" - along with the observation that there was a legit ouija board in Downton Abbey - came from Alchamine on tumblr.

"I'm sorry, your Lordship," Thomas Barrow imagined saying as he checked the last of his pockets, "But I seem to have lost the keys to the abbey. No worries, though, I probably just dropped them at the pub, so I'll nip down and check." The thought, and his empty pocket, made him grimace. He would have panicked, but he'd only been through his pockets once. He would panic when he'd gone through them three times, one for each pint-too-many he'd had, and still came up empty handed. 

Next to him, Andy sat on a pile of rubbish – old boxes and the like – that had been left next to the door for disposal. The younger man rested his head against the bricks of the wall, his eyes closed. "I think we're going to regret that last pint in the morning," he noted.

"Pretty certain I'm regretting it now," Thomas replied, starting from the top again with the search for the elusive keys. "And not just that one. Still, when a man comes in and buys a celebratory round for the house, you can't just say no. It would be rude." The truth was that he and Andy had only stepped out for a couple of pints, enjoying a little bit of freedom while the family spent a week visiting Lady Edith. However, just as they'd been ready to leave Mr. MacDermont had come in, crowing about the birth of his third son and offering a round on the house, so they'd been convinced to stay. They'd been convinced to stay through Mr. Sacks buying a second round and Mr. Hill buying a third. After that they had been just sober enough to insist that they had to leave while they could still walk home. Apparently the ability to walk lasted longer than the ability to find where one had put the blasted keys. 

"If I ever have children, tell me that I'm flat broke and people need to work in the morning."

Thomas chuckled, then brightened as his fingers met metal. "Ah hah, here we go," he smiled, pulling the keys out of the pocket he always put them in. It took a couple of tries to find the right one and get the door open. On the one hand, he regretted locking the door early. On the other hand, if he really had lost the keys, it would have been much better to realize now than in the morning. "Right, then, in with us."

Andy sighed and started to stand, but he had apparently had enough that he was wobbly and his foot came down wrong on something. The something slid, causing him to sit down rather heavily on the stack of rubbish. The force of his weight, in turn, unbalanced the boxes which unceremoniously dumped him with a small crash onto the ground. "Ow!"

"Are you alright?" Thomas asked, automatically tucking the keys into his pocket. He was distracted enough that he chose the wrong one.

"Yeah," Andy grumbled as he worked at righting himself. Thomas offered him a hand, which he took. "Nothing bruised except my pride." As he regained his feet, he glanced down to see what he'd stepped on and frowned. "What is that?"

Thomas looked down, but couldn't quite make out the shape on the ground so, careful of his own balance, he reached over and picked it up. It was a somewhat triangular piece of wood with an eye burned and stained into the back of it. He recognized it immediately, but still turned it over in his hands as if he'd never seen it before. "Hullo, what's this? Didn't realize this old thing was still around."

"What old thing?" Andy asked, peering at it.

"Hm?" Thomas looked at him for a second before his slightly inebriated brain caught up. "Oh," he laughed, "This is part of a game. One of those boards that let you talk to the spirit world that were all the rage awhile back, what with the seances and things. Daisy found it not long after the war ended. I thought Mrs. Hughes had disposed of it years ago. She always hated it."

Andy peered through the rest of the scattered debris. "Maybe she just got rid of the board proper?" he suggested. "I don't see it here..oh. Wait, what's this?" He moved a box and pulled up a flat wooden board. Like the triangle, it was stained and burnt, only it had letters and decorations on it. "Never mind, here it is."

"It must have gotten shoved someplace all those years ago and she just found it." Thomas eyed the two pieces of the board. "Wanna have a go?"

"What, right now? It has to be near midnight, at least."

Thomas shrugged. "That's nothing new. We'd be up another hour if there was a large house party going on, and I don't know about you, but I'd like to wait a spell before walking up all of those stairs."

Apparently Andy hadn't thought about the many flights of stairs between them and a good night sleep. He pulled a face. "Good point. All right, then, you can show me how this thing works."

Thomas held the door for the younger man and, each carrying a part of the ouija board, they walked into the manor. They then stood just inside the door for another five minutes while Thomas, cursing loudly, located the keys again and re-locked the door. This time he was very careful to put the key in the proper pocket. "Right, then," he carried the board into the servant's hall, flicked on the lights, and set it on the table. "The hour is right and all of that. We'll need candles, though."

"What for?"

"To show the spirits the way," Thomas informed him in his best sinister stage voice, which had honestly never been that sinister, but then he'd never really tried. The whole thing was ridiculous, really. In his normal voice he added, "I suppose we don't actually need them. They're mostly for atmosphere."

Andrew shook his head. "Maybe some other time. I don't feel like the fuss and bother of hauling them out and putting them away again when we're done."

"Fair enough." Thomas pulled up a seat and gestured for Andy to do the same. Since there were only two of them, they sat next to each other. Thomas set the wooden triangle on the board and placed his fingers at the corner. "Right, then, the idea is fairly simple. You put your fingers on the other corner of this piece here and then we ask the spirits a question. The spirits will guide our hands and spell out the answer." He grinned at the younger man. "No pushing, though. You need to let the spirits do the moving."

"That's it?" Andrew gave him a bemused grin as he set his fingers on the triangle. "It doesn't sound all that awe inspiring to me."

"Well, you do need to have a bit of fun with it," Thomas admitted with a shrug. "Do the whole 'calling the spirits' and stuff. And it really isn't the same with electric lights instead of candles, but I'm sure we can manage. Before we start, though, what should we ask?"

Andrew thought a bit. "We could start by asking the spirits what we should do while the family's away?"

"Bet they say 'clean the silver' or something like that," Thomas snorted, but didn't offer any real objections. "Then again, Carson's not dead yet, so unless we get the fellow who came before him, it might be a bit more interesting. All right, then," he squared his shoulders and took a deep breath. Once again switching to his not-really-that-sinister voice he asked, "Is anyone there?"

Andrew dissolved into a bout of chuckles.

"Do not snigger," Thomas informed him, without changing his tone, although he had a job of it not to smirk. "The spirits do not approve of sniggering."

Of course, that made Andy laugh harder and it was with great difficulty that he managed, after a couple of minutes, to swallow his mirth. 

Once he was silent, at least mostly, Thomas tried again. "Spirits? Are you there?" This time, the triangle moved slowly across the board. 

Y.E.S.

Ignoring Andrew, who was still grinning like an idiot, Thomas asked solemnly. "Spirits, what should we do while the family is away?"

There was a moment of hesitation, then the triangle moved again. Y.O.U. S.H.O.U.L.D. F.U.C.K.

The two men stared at the board. Then they turned and stared at each other. "You didn't just read what I read, did you?" Thomas asked.

Andrew looked at him, then at the board, then back. "I think I did, actually. At least the look on your face is how I feel, so I'm pretty sure I did." He paused, then added, "You weren't pushing it, were you?"

"What?" Thomas looked hurt. "Andy, we settled that years ago. I'm not-"

"I know, I know, sorry," Andrew cut him off, shaking his head. "I just, I mean, I wasn't pushing it. I wouldn't joke about that." The two of them looked at each other for another minute. "Maybe we misread something?"

"We must have." Turning back to the board, Thomas cleared his throat and tried again. He was flustered enough, he forgot the sinister voice. "Ah, sorry, spirits, I don't think we quite got that. What should we do while the family is away?"

This time there was no hesitation what so ever. Y.O.U. S.H.O.U.L.D F.U.C.K.

The two of them sat absolutely gobsmacked. "That can't be right!" Andrew protested finally, eyes still on the board. "We have to be misunderstanding it somehow."

"Right," Thomas muttered. "I mean, which one of us is it talking to? And who are we supposed to....well." 

"Suppose we should ask?"

Thomas thought about that, then replied, "You should. It's clearly talking to you, anyway, no one would ever tell me to. Um. Do that." He looked at the other man and gave a tight smile and an inviting nod to the board.

"All right." Andrew looked a bit nervous, but he schooled his face into the most serious expression he could manage and asked, "Who, exactly, should we...ah..."

Y.O.U. S.H.O.U.L.D F.U.C.K. E.A.C.H. O.T.H.E.R. The triangle flew across the board so sharply, one might have sworn the spirits were exasperated.

"Ouija board thinks we should fuck," Andrew stated the obvious, his voice caught somewhere between amusement and hysteria.

"Ouija board is crazy."

"Except wait. If the board is just a way to talk to the spirits, it's the spirits who think-"

"Spirits are crazy." Thomas insisted. He really didn't care whether it was the board or the spirits, insanity was insanity. It didn't occur to him that Andrew might have been pushing the triangle. The younger man wasn't that sadistic. The fact that the only remaining option was that it really was spirits, since he hadn't been pushing anything, didn't quite sink in past that last pint. 

"Crazy or drunk," Andrew agreed, nodding his head. 

Thomas frowned at that. "Can spirits get drunk?"

"Why not? They call liquor 'spirits', don't they?"

Thomas grimaced. "Andy, that was terrible. Even squiffy, that was terrible." He glared at the other man, all but accusing him of making the situation worse with his humor. 

He received a sheepish grin for his pains. "Yeah, it really was," the younger man admitted. "But really, why else would anyone tell us to do that? I mean, aside from the obvious part where neither of us wants to, can you imagine if we were caught?"

"I don't have to imagine, I've basically been caught thanks to..." Thomas stopped. Thomas blinked. His face blackening like a thunder cloud, he turned his full attention on the board. "O'Brien? O'Brien, is that you?" he demanded. 

Andrew blinked. "Who?"

Thomas didn't register the question. He just kept yelling at the board, his voice growing steadily more strident. He stood, so as to be more imposing. "That is you, isn't it? You've been sat on by an elephant or something and now you're trying to get me into trouble again. Well it's not working, you hear? Not this time. Andy's a nice boy, but he's not Jimmy and I'm not interested and he's not interested either. You're not going to convince me otherwise. God almighty, I don't know why I ever listened to you -" Something seemed just off enough about that to make him pause. "Well, alright, I do know why I listened to you, but I was a sodding idiot for it. I never should have. Really, nearly got sacked more times than I can count 'cause of you and your scheming and your encouragement, but not anymore. Oh no, go find some other ouija board to haunt, because you are not getting me sacked now! I have a good position, I have people who like me, and you are not going to cost me that. You're not going to cost Andy that!"

"Who is this O'Brien person?" Andrew asked, thoroughly confused. "And why would she be trying to get me sacked?"

"Because she never cared who got caught in her schemes, so long as she got the person she was after. That would be me."

Andrew was still trying to puzzle through that. "But if it was someone trying to get us in trouble, wouldn't it be someone who didn't like both of us? I mean, we'd both go to prison."

That got Thomas to stop and think. "But who is there who'd want to do that?"

"Denker," Andrew suggested. "She never did like that we turned the tables on her back at Lady Rose's wedding."

"She still went after me more. And she's not dead."

"How do we know? Have you heard from her since the Dowager died? She could have been hit by a train or choked on a fish bone or something."

Faced with the obvious fact that, no, he hadn't heard from the lady's maid since Lady Violet had died the year before, Thomas had to allow that it was possible. In fact, the more he thought about it, the more it seemed likely. "You're right, Andy....you're right. And she certainly was petty enough." He glowered at the board again. "Denker, you old bat, leave off, will you? I wasn't impressed by your tricks when you were alive, I'm certainly not impressed now! And Carson isn't going to back you up on this one. No one is and let me tell you, I never believed a word that came out of your mouth after that run in London. Not without someone else saying you were telling the truth, because you know what? You're not as clever as you think you are and you never were. Come to think of it, none of you ever were, you scheming lady's maids. Not you, not O'Brien, not Braithwaite – lord, I don't know how Anna and Baxter have managed to keep their positions so long! Manipulative, scheming, no account harpy seems to be part of the job description!"

"All right, Braithwaite's another one I don't know." By this point, Andrew had given up on any attempt at figuring out the ouija board's message and is just trying to keep up with Thomas's ranting.

The butler gave a nasty laugh. "Oh, she was a great one. Almost as good as O'Brien, really. She...well, no. I can't tell you what she got up to, I'm not supposed to know. Didn't find out until it was too late to stop her either, more's the pity. Even at my worst I wouldn't have wished her on –" he stopped himself. "The person she went after," he finished. "Of course, she blamed me for getting her sacked." He looked down at the board again. "I didn't, though," he informed the piece of wood. "I actually had not a thing to do with getting you sacked, you little witch, but you know what? I wish I had. I was trying to figure out how to, just someone beat me to the punch. I'm sad I didn't get to help! Nothing would have given me greater pleasure and if you've gone and gotten yourself murdered, I'm not sorry and I don't blame whoever it was and I hope he doesn't get caught! Because you undoubtedly deserved it! And Phillip called me a greedy social climber, really. He should have met you!"

"We had a lady's maid named Phillip?" 

"What?" The question caught Thomas off guard. It took him a couple of blinks to process it properly. "Oh, no. He wasn't a lady's maid he was..." He paused again. What was he supposed to say? A Duke? One of Lady Mary's suitors? Someone he, Thomas, really had fucked in the past? "Someone who visited the family a couple of times. I tended to wind up valetting him. He was...not as nice as he came off. He was a greedy little liar, if you got right down to it."

"You seem to know a lot of people not worth knowing," Andrew observed. "Or have known them, I suppose."

"Yeah, I have." It seemed like a revelation, somehow, as if he'd never stopped and thought about it before. 

"You know what happened to this Phillip bloke?"

Thomas shook his head. "Probably died in the war, honestly, if he couldn't figure out a way to weasel out of it. He was officer material. Germans usually took that type out first. I'd feel sorry for his wife and kids, assuming he had some by that point. It was what he was after, anyway. Rich wife, heir to pass the title along to." It didn't occur to him that he'd just established Phillip as a member of the peerage. "I hope you got it all," he addressed the ouija board again, assuming his voice would carry through it to the spirit realm. "And I hope you enjoyed it. I hope it was worth being a heartless, hypocritical bastard. And for the record, you were wrong about me. You see, when I say I care about someone, I care. I may not know how to show it and it may not stop me from being a right horse's ass at times, but that is one thing I never lie about and if you'd actually been worth caring about, then you'd have realized-"

"What in Heaven's name is going on in here?" The question brought Thomas's rant to a grinding halt. Both he and Andrew snapped their attention to the doorway where Mrs. Patmore stood in her nightgown, robe, and night cap, torch in hand, staring flabbergasted at them. "Really," the cook huffed, "I come down for a glass of hot milk and find you two ranting like loonies!"

"I wasn't ranting," Andrew pointed out.

Ignoring him, Mrs. Patmore stomped over to the table and looked down at the ouija board. "Where did that old thing come from?"

"Rubbish heap," Thomas replied, expression sullen at being taken to task. "It didn't have the good sense to stay buried."

"You didn't have the good sense to leave it there, you mean." Frowning, she sniffed the air. "How much have you two had to drink?"

"Just two pints," Andrew informed her. Then he thought about it. "Or, well, it was two pints originally, but then Mr. MacDermont came in and bought everyone a free baby."

"Right, and then two other blokes brought them, and you can't just say no to three free babies," Thomas informed her earnestly.

Mrs. Patmore looked from one to the other as if trying to decide whether or not they were having her on. She then threw her hands in the air, obviously giving up. "All right, you two, enough of that!" She stepped between the two of them and gave Thomas a hearty shove toward the door. It was enough to knock him off balance and he stumbled, protesting. "Off to bed with you. Both of you!" She tugged sharply at Andrew's arm, half yanking him out of his chair. He managed to get his feet under him before he fell. "Go sleep it off and let's not have any more of this nonsense."

The two men walked, more or less, to the door without protest. Once there, however, Thomas turned and fixed the ouija board with one last glare. "Forget the rubbish heap! Tomorrow, I'm going to burn the lot of you!"

"Thomas go to bed!"

"I'm doing it first thing!"

"THOMAS!"

**Author's Note:**

> Decided to migrate some of my better tumblr works here.


End file.
